How NOT to swear while teaching

Sometime’s when I’m teaching or working at school I have the strong urge to use a curse word (who knows why).

Actually I just almost felt like cussing right now because as I’m typing this Petrie came and sat down on my laptop.

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This is where he has decided he will sit as I write this.

Obviously cursing while teaching or in any workplace is probably not the best thing to keep your job, so I’ve decided to compile a list of suggestions for when you really need to curse but you don’t want to lose your job/scar a bunch of 5-15 year olds.

Here are some recent times I’ve almost cursed.

When the recess bell just rang and you need to make 30 copies in 10 seconds

Every time without fail when I need to make copies quick, there is never any paper. This happened to me this past week and when I went to put the paper in the machine all 200 pieces of paper fell on the ground. I wanted to say something that sounded like “mother trucker.”

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But my suggestion to you would be to instead yell “MOTHER FUUUNNN.” Then smile at everyone working in the office and walk out without saying anything else. This worked really well for me last Monday.

 

When you’re teaching at a middle/high school and a student thinks it’s funny to make a sexual reference

This actually happened to me when I was teaching high school band. I was talking to a few trumpet players about how their tonguing needed to be lighter. The non-detailed version is that the student told me (in detail) how he could use his tongue (on me).

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What you might want to say is “what the he** is wrong with you?” May I suggest instead you say “I can’t wait to hear what your mom thinks about what your tongue can do! How exciting, we shall call her right now.”

Works every time.

When you’ve been working on the same song for the past two months and exactly one week before the performance your entire class forgets every word/instrument part.

The best is when you’re on stage practicing for a program you’ve been talking about for 3 months and a kid asks “why are we on stage, do we have a concert or something?”

You might be looking at your class and thinking “who are these children?” or “I’m obviously a terrible teacher.”

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You might want to say “what the literal he** have we been doing for the past two months?”

May I suggest instead you just look at the kids and laugh, just fake it (seriously it works.) The kids might ask “why are you laughing,” and then you can reply with either “so I don’t get mad” or my favorite “so I don’t cry.”

 

When you’re working with a student 1 on 1 and they sneeze right in your face

This has happened to me more times than I can count and I’m pretty used to it at this point but sometimes you’re just getting over being super sick and you just don’t feel like being sneezed on (you know what I mean)?

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You might want to say “why do all of you children suck my energy and want me dead?”

Just to let you know, you will get some confused looks on your face if you say that. May I suggest instead you say “thank you for sharing your germs with me, I just don’t want them. Next time please sneeze in your elbow.”

They’ll laugh and sometimes they even remember to cover their sneeze! (for about a day)

 

When a student tells you and the entire class an extremely off topic and inappropriate story about their family life

“Ms. Hayden I just had the worst diarrhea, like it was so bad I was up all night and it got all over the bed and all over the bathroom. My mom was super upset.”

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You might want to say “why the ___ are you choosing to share that with everyone?”

May I suggest instead saying “well thank you for sharing such an intimate life detail, but next time that is something that can stay locked away in your head.”

Then wait for the laughs from the other children to stop, smile and continue on like nothing happened and you aren’t going to throw up at any moment.

 

Now I hope those suggestions help you out someday.

Let me add a quick side note, I do actually enjoy teaching and love my students. Those that know me well know that I have a pretty dry sense of humor and I’m very honest so I’m actually pretty proud of myself for not saying everything that I think when I’m teaching. I guess I’m as bad as the kids sometimes.

I’m going to leave you with a lovely photo of Littlefoot and Petrie not fighting.

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Nice right?

Sierra

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