So I haven’t written in a while, this time of the year is especially hard. My mom passed away in a car accident two years ago and I also feel like I’ve been fighting off being sick. Every day, I get a little sick – get better and do this over and over again. That is until I finally got sick on the 1st which just happens to be the anniversary of her death.
I wanted to write a post on my earliest memory but I couldn’t write about it without thinking of my mom.
I remember getting that phone call that she had passed away in a car accident on a Tuesday while Mason and I were eating dinner. Everything that happened immediately after that day is a bit of a blur but I do remember feeling an immense level of grief combined with relief.
I know how could I think that?
You see; this was also accompanied by a great share of guilt for feeling this way, but my mom was extremely mentally unstable. I spent a fair share of time growing up trying to take care of my mother through her episodes of depression, bipolar, anxiety, and a lot of social situations that I didn’t really understand at the time.
Now don’t get me wrong, my mom was my best friend in the world and I loved her deeply and more than anyone. But I also really struggled to grow up and take care of myself while still always having that fear in my head that I would get another call from her saying she took an entire bottle of pills. (Which happened several times while I was growing up)
I wrote a letter to her and I’m sending it out to all of you in hopes that it might resonate with someone else and who knows maybe Mom will see this wherever she may be.
I miss you dearly and I think of you every day. I was shopping the other day and I almost asked Mason “what should I get my mom this year for Christmas?” These thoughts usually come with short but deep level of grief and sometimes they end with a smile because I remember something wonderful.
Remember that time we got lost driving in West Texas and you said “it smells like cow shit!” And then proceeded to stuff half a hard peppermint up your nose to try and hide the smell? Then we had to pull over to try and get the peppermint unstuck from your nose, all while laughing. I was probably 14 at this time and I remember thinking “do other moms stick peppermints up their nose?”
Pretty sure I knew the answer
Thank you mom for loving me deeply and supporting me. Thank you for always having colored pencils and paper on the couch so I could practice my drawing. Thank you for supporting my flute playing; watching and supporting as I got my masters in flute performance.
Thank you for finding amazing hidden outdoor spaces to take me to play in when we lived in Dallas, because we didn’t really have money to do other fun things. Thank you for teaching me to be strong and how to take care of myself.
Thank you for giving me years of laughter.
I hope that wherever you are now, you feel no pain or stress. I hope you have no worries and that you are immensely happy. I hope you’re able to be with me for the big moments in life. Please never worry about me; I’ve been extremely blessed to have made a family and have people who love and support me.
Also… if you happen to see my old cat Sneakers, tell him I miss him. But don’t tell the hamster I say hi, he was such a jerk.
Love you mom,
Mental health can be a taboo subject, but I urge you to get help if you don’t feel able to cope with every day activities. I also urge you to get help and support if you are a loved one of someone who has a mental disability, sometimes we don’t realize the toll it takes when you love someone who cannot take care of themselves.
Thank you so much for reading, I promise happier posts to come this month! Follow my Facebook for updates!